John Stewart
John Stewart (also known to some as Stephen Colbert's less talented unidentical clone) is the correct spelling of "Jon" Stewart, according to Dr. Colbert. Mr. Stewart was a performer from Stephen Colbert's initial starring vehicle, The Daily Show. During the writers' strike of 2007, His Jewness promised to pay his writers' salaries while they sat around watching TV. The Jew As A Young Pundit John Stewart — allegedly named after John Stuart Mill, the famous Godless liberal thinker — was born November 28, 1962 (Sagittarius, year of the Tiger). He is the vertically challenged (in more than one way) Jewish host of the show that comes on 30 minutes before "The Colbert Report", "The Daily Show with Jon sic Stewart". Stephen Colbert was a regular correspondent on this show dating back to when Craig Kilborn was host. On Thursday, August 10, 2006, Colbert paid a surprise visit to The Daily Show and told Stewart off for upsetting his friend Geraldo, informing him that he was "On Notice". On Monday, August 14, Colbert revoked John's "On Notice" status because it was too complicated a procedure to obtain another "On Notice" panel from Bangalore. Instead, Stephen placed "John" Stewart on his new "Called Out" board. Stewart appeared in person per request of Colbert's urgent page. With some coaxing (and being forced to walk a mile in Geraldo's mustache, a very difficult task, as Geraldo has a very thick 'stache) Stewart reluctantly apologized to Mr. Rivera. Ever since Dr. Colbert manually changed John's name, there has been a noted decrease in the amount of videos featuring old ladies slipping on ice, from 1 or 2, to none. It is apparent that an "h" should be added to "Jon" since this is the spelling the mainstream of America is familiar and comfortable with. John's bucking of this trend signifies his parents' disdain for America's values and its standard practice of spelling "John," although it does show that he follows the commandment dealing with Fathers and Mothers. Like all of the left, Mr. Stewart is too obstinate and near-sighted to see the supposed error of his ways or how his actions will, in the long run, allegedly hurt America. Stewart changed his last name long ago, but he did not put an "h" in his first name, showing that he didn't blame his parents for his odd last name, which they had no choice in, but respected their choice to name him "Jon". un-American Spelling of American Names Social anthropologists have begun researching the potential problem of naming children un-American names, like Stephen instead of Steven, pointing out that parents, usually the liberal type who have been naming their children un-American names, tacitly support the Hate America Firsters who seek to confuse and upset patriotic Americans. These anthropologists have suggested that "Jon Stewart's" spelling of his first name is setting a deadly precedent and they contend that these un-American names will start the U.S.A. down a slippery slope towards Islamo-Fascism. Dr. Colbert has been applauded by the international anthropology community for his efforts and will most likely receive some sort of award for his work. Hatred of the Female Elderly [[image:Js ice.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Stewart doing his evil laugh after The Daily Show 's 100th story on ladies slipping on ice, give or take 99.]] Rumor has it that Mr. Stewart is developing new technologies to enable video to be made of old ladies slipping during not just winter, but summer, spring, and fall (pun intended) as well. John Stewart's Sexual Preference, and In a Related Matter, His "Friendliness" with Stephen Colbert 's non-homosexual whisper in Joe Lieberman's ear, this is not a kiss, not even a "freedom kiss".]] Stewart is Stephen's long-time Jewish friend. It has long been debated, since John Stewart often shows at the end of each program a "Moment of Zen" which depicts various politically propagandic pictures, such as George W. Bush rocking it out loud on the drums in Africa, that Stewart is not only a Jew, but a Buddhist as well. If you're gonna have two religions, make at least one of them right, Stewart! Rumor also has it that John Stewart is incredibly attracted to Dr. Colbert, as is to be expected from anyone who comes into contact with him. Unfortunately for Stewart, Colbert is wise to the Gay agenda and will have no part of it. Let's hope that Stewart can cope with his shattered dreams. It is one of the worst kept secrets in broadcasting that Stephen Colbert initially left The Daily Show not because he got his own television program, but because he was being sexually harassed by John Stewart, which Stephen has since confided to Papa Bear, Bill O'Reilly. The Colbert Report was the result of his request with Comedy Central to keep his distance with Stewart. Stephen Colbert, the gentleman he is, denies this to this day. And he definitely does not want you to infer from these events that all Jews are homosexual. After all, Stephen is probably Jewish. Remember, you cannot spell Jew without 'J'ohn St'ew'art. John Stewart's other occupations and hobbies * Pretending to be Dick Cheney. * Impersonating a doctor. * Wearing his Halloween costume in June. Image:Jon1.jpg|John Stewart threatening his audience. Image:Jon2.jpg|John Stewart impersonating a doctor. Image:Jon3.jpg|John Stewart revealing his true identity. Or his Halloween costume. No one's really sure. John Stewart Facts * Is nicknamed "Tom" for some of his guests who can't remember his real name. * is often mistaken for his brother Thommy. * DOESN'T have his own brand of Ice Cream. * Is Colbert's Jewish friend. * will only eat bacon through a hole in a sheet * Gets horny when Brother Tyson talks about science. * Hero of The Pot Smokers and Ne'er-Do-Wells commune. It has no community, it has got no walls, gates, or armed guards. Reasons for this are unknown. * Is known to nitpick, but for some of the more major reasons for it (not spelling or grammar, but "factual" errors.) * Is a Jerry Lewis fan. Might even be one of Jerry's numerous "kids". * Not ballsy enough to "Nail" guests on his show. Instead, he either makes them look stupid or perfectly logical, depending on what they say. * Got rid of the Hot Seat part of his guest interviews, when numerous guests complained that they might have heart attacks. Stewart would rather not have to deal with lawsuits, despite his Jewry, and the Jew's usual affinity for law. * Posts as Lefty For Pres on The Colboard. This is unconfirmed. * Revered as a "Gay Sex God." * But is not the Sex Symbol Stephen Colbert is. * Does not believe in Jack Bauer (thus proving Stewart's hatred for America), or television. * Demonized Conservative Ramesh Ponnuru, a friend of the Colbert Report, but as a leftist, it is his job. * Once dreamt he was the Green Lantern, the black one. Come to think of it, that would be pretty cool. * Did we mention the Jew thing yet? * Considers masturbation one of his favorite pastimes. * Has Disavowed the 11th Commandment "Thou shalt not disagree or mock the Christian in Chief, President Bush", found in the last, newly discovered book in the new testament, "The Book of Koalbert". This is only to be expected, as he is a Jew, who does not believe in the new testament. Hopefully Jesus will forgive him. * Is approximately 4 feet tall. He requires all "guests" to slouch down while he sits on a booster seat to hide this fact, which he's really, really sensitive about. * Worst of all, was in Death to Smoochie, which really should be grounds for deportation all alone. Other Liberal Pundits * Arianna Huffington * Al Franken * Janeane Garofalo * Keith Olbermann not to be confused with Ubermensch * Helen Thomas * Rachel Maddow * Thom Hartmann Category:Special friends of Stephen Colbert Category:The Daily Show